Soul Recovery: My Journey Back to Faith
The dark period of my life was necessary. The pain, suffering, confusion, and wandering all served a larger purpose – the death of me. The death of my ego. The death of fleshly driven hopes and dreams.
“Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal. John 12:25 MSG
Today, I’m grateful. So grateful that I’m God-created and God-sustained! This past winter, my soul was quiet. Not the kind of quiet that feels peaceful, but a kind of quiet desperation that had my attention. I couldn’t shake it. My mood was somber. Life was great. My personal life and career doing wonderful. Kids were getting along just fine.
But I’d been wandering spiritually for a while. I felt alone in the desert. A decade in the church, then almost a decade trying out various paths in an attempt to find “me”. My time in church didn’t tear down my big ball of ego that had been growing since babyhood. I learned a lot about God and met some nice folks, but inside I was screaming for something more. I value my time wandering in the New Thought, metaphysical, Buddhism, law of attraction, self-help camps. I really do. Dug through a whole lot of layers and found myself and you know what? I actually liked me a whole lot!
Still, there were times I would think, “Universe just feels cold. Like, if “Source” is God, it’s just so impersonal. I don’t want to be my own god.” Serving a more personal God was what my soul longed for! I began praying, “God, show me how to bridge the New Age thought and Christianity together.
Both have valuable guidelines for living a good life and growing closer to God.” After all, Jesus’s core beliefs are amazing. It’s just that human agenda and dogma have blurred them. And I didn’t want to stay distant from God, Jesus, or Spirit! So began my journey of re-discovering ME in light of God’s Word and Jesus’s teachings.
I can say the journey has been super liberating and joyful! My wandering through the desert led me back to Jesus, who I feel is our best teacher. Why? Because He came to show us how we could enter into Love. A new kingdom. Jesus was Love. He taught Love. He was from Love, completely conscious, enlightened.
So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross. Colossians 1:20 MSG
You’ve probably heard this: “We’re here on this planet as spirits having a human experience.” And you nod in agreement, but if we really got this deep down, we’d be living differently. The world would look radically different, friends. Jesus got this. He was ENLIGHTENED, embodying Light, tuned in to Love energy. He was our model. He wanted us to aim to be like Him.
Jesus showed up with a message to the Jews and Gentiles – “You no longer have to live separated from God/Love! There is a new way! A new kingdom of Light! I’m here to open the eyes of those who cannot see! The veil has been torn! Go within, people. The kingdom is within you!”
But you think, Ok, yeah, sounds nice, but it’s not really working for me. I’ve believed in God my whole life. Even did the whole church thing for a while. I don’t feel God. In fact, I feel lousy most of the time and my very soul is tired. I understand. I’ve been there, navigating this life trying to find my spiritual path. Trying to feel connected to God. Trying to figure myself out. Did the church thing, too.
Tried various spiritual paths, and they’ve all led me back to the ways of Jesus. See, this ego or shadow or sin that we’ve created along the way; this is what separates us from God. From Love and Light. This is what creates that feeling of separation!
“THE GREAT ILLUSION THAT WE MUST ALL OVERCOME IS THE ILLUSION OF SEPARATENESS.” RICHARD ROHR
It’s the human condition. And you know what we did in order to try to get re-connected to God? We looked to “outer things”. We looked for it in our parents, lovers, friends, money, etc. This human condition has ego (shadow, fear, sin) at the root. In the Bible this is called sin. In psychology it’s called ego or shadow. New agers may call it the lower self.
Regardless, this is what has separated us from God. When we cling to ego, we’re not feeling connected to God. Today is a new day. A new time. A new time for healing. Restoration. And it’s not just Christians who are bearing light in the Kingdom. It’s those in the New Age movement, Shamans, Buddhists, Native Americans, Metaphysical, Old Souls, Hippies, etc. All accessing the light and power within. Those that are looking to the power of ONE.
Was Jesus just a prophet? Or the Son of God? I’m not here to debate or waste my energy philosophizing. We can look at the ways of Jesus and instead of creating factions in humankind, we can unify it based on the central tenets of faith. Things like the God-kind of love, compassion, kindness, patience, gentleness…you get the idea.
As a spirit and human being, I am growing and developing personally and spiritually. Yes, I’m here to awaken and be enlightened, but I’m also here to bring God’s Kingdom of Light and Love to others. Maybe I’ve been the prodigal daughter, but now I am home with Jesus. Home with divine Love.
“They will know you by your love.” John 13:35
Wandering in my desert made me buck up and do some hard work toward healing. Yes, I relied on God. I prayed. Meditated. Studied. Burned incense. Got Reiki, prayer, slept with gems and crystals, etc. I reached out for help, and ALL of it helped me change my fear-based defenses and coping skills – in particular codependency, or trying to find my worth in others or worldly things instead of God. All of that was keeping me from an intimate relationship with God, and fulfilling my highest creative functioning as spirit.
I was never broken.
I’d simply forgotten who I was and didn’t realize I was already connected to the One I was yearning for. I don’t propose to have all the answers. I think everyone is on their own unique journey and I bless them all. Whether you follow angels, Buddha, tree spirits, Gaia, Krishna, the Pope, Dalai Lama, and so on.
As a follower of Jesus, a spirit on this earthly journey, I commit to showing up as light and love to all. I welcome everyone. I don’t attend church regularly. When I feel led, I’ll visit various gatherings of all different faiths greeting all with a heartfelt “Namaste!”
I am an expression of God. I have been restored to a deep connection with Him (and Her. Spirit is the perfect balance of masculine and feminine energy) My emotions have been restored. My mind has been transformed. I live and move and have my being IN Him. I vow to help others awaken and re-discover their authentic identity in God, healed and whole. Never a judgment about what you believe. I let compassion lead my way.
After all, we’re in this together, ya’ll and I’m rooting for you.
“All great spirituality is about what we do with our pain.” Richard Rohr